I don’t care what she said, I’m not fat.

Let me start by sharing something about myself. I am a very blunt, strong-minded person who will always stand up for myself and others. I’ve never let anyone get away with saying nasty things to me or anyone else. I don’t break down easily.

Today is another story. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves though. I’m going to share my day with you before I get any more into this.

Today started with me waking up excited to go run/walk the bridge and then do some stretching afterwards by the water. I’ve just recently been excited about things again. For a while, it was hard to convince myself to get out of the house and go do something. I’ve been stuck in a rut. No longer! So this morning, I ate my wonderful breakfast and headed out the door. The weather was great and it felt just as great to have an enjoyable workout.

When I got home, I decided to watch the last 20 or so minutes of a health documentary that I had already started. Some things in the documentary really resinated with me while other things were the usual shenanigans: “love yourself and you will be a happier you.” Yeah, yeah. I may have rolled my eyes once or twice at it, but then I realized what a negative little Nancy I had become when it came to my self image. Even if there were only a 10 percent chance that what they were saying had some truth to it, I probably should listen. I need a little extra self-confidence right now. Who doesn’t at times? So I went with it. (There isn’t a huge success story coming after this, so don’t hold your breath.) I continued to watch with a slightly more open mind and decided to try something that they were telling the viewers to do. “Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you accept your body and you accept your whole self.” It may sound silly, but I decided to do as they told me.

All day today, I told myself that I love my body no matter what. I admitted to myself that I would like to work on my body to become stronger and healthier, but in the mean time, I wanted myself to know that I am still beautiful as I am. I looked in the mirror and told myself this every time went to the bathroom…  which was a lot. Drinking so much water sure does send me to the ladies room way too much! Should I really be drinking a gallon of water per day? Hm.

I liked what I was telling myself. I liked the positive thoughts and the excitement I had for my goals. Even more, I liked that I can still love my body even if it isn’t my exact goal or ideal look. It’s me. Now let me say this, I don’t think that I am fat. I do, though, struggle with image issues. I do struggle with comparing myself to others and wishing I look a certain way. So I decided to do something about it.

Tonight I ran into my first big road block and it sure slapped the excitement right out of me. It made me want to crawl back in my shell of unhappiness and self deprecation.

It’s Christmas Eve. Never the matter your religion or if you do or do not celebrate Christmas, its another beautiful day. A day not meant for mean remarks from others in the grocery store.

I went to the movies with my Grandmama tonight, but afterwards we had to run by the grocery store to grab some food for our little dinner tomorrow. I said I would cook something healthy for us and my Grandmama gladly accepted. Yet again, all of that water intake sent me running straight to the ladies room as soon as we stepped foot in the store. Grandmama waited outside. I came out of the stall and went to get some hand soap to wash my hands. Apparently I did it all wrong. There was a lady in the bathroom washing her hands who immediately started talking down to me. To be honest, I didn’t even look at her to see what she was doing. I also didn’t realize there was only one sink. One sink in the very, very long bathroom counter. Theres always that awkward bathroom thing where you go about yourself and go on with your life afterwards. Oh, but she noticed me. She snapped at me for getting soap before she was done washing her hands. It really didn’t seem like the end of the world to me, so instead of apologizing to the mean lady, I told her not to be rude to me. I said there is no need to try and ruin somebody’s day. She turned and looked at me. She looked me straight in the eyes and said, “your day is only ruined because you are fat.” She walked out of the bathroom.

I never let anyone talk down to me. I always stand up for myself.

I didn’t stand up for myself today. I said nothing as she turned and left me to resinate with her cruel words.

The most sad part isn’t what she said. It’s what I did afterwards. I stayed in that bathroom and I looked at myself. I looked at myself and I said, “am I fat?” “Why else would she have called me fat?” “She may be a mean person, but it sounded to me like she meant what she said.” I looked at myself in that mirror and I cried. I had been looking at myself in mirrors all day to tell myself that I accept my body and I love me the way I am. It took one lady and one grocery store mirror for me to fall apart again and feel as if I haven’t made any progress at all. She not only ruined my day, she crumbled my self image that I had been working relentlessly to build up. She presumably went home and I doubt she will ever know just how badly her words hurt. Somebody who looks another person in the eye and intentionally tries to break them down is somebody who will do it again and again to person after person. I get it, she probably is unhappy with her life. That’s what I would tell a friend if they told me something like this happened to them. That is how I would console someone. That isn’t the point though. Maybe she is an unhappy person. Maybe she isn’t. I grabbed some hand soap a little too early for her liking and she ripped me apart. Is that really what people have come to?

I got home and cried for over an hour. I didn’t want to do anything anymore. I wasn’t motivated to do anything that I had planned. I finally, just now, became motivated to write about this. I am not going to give up on what I was doing before. I do feel as if I backtracked to where I started and then some. Maybe I will get over this and forget it. Maybe I will be in the best shape of my life and think back every day to the mean grocery store lady. Who knows.

I’ve been taking pictures of my meals as a way to excite me about eating healthier. I find it fun to set up my plate and try to take a pretty picture. As pretty as I can, that is! I think blogging and posting pictures will hold me accountable for what I eat and do. I was planning to post my pictures from today and I have decided to still do so. She can’t ruin it all. So here is my day minus dinner. I haven’t eaten dinner yet.

Breakfast: 1 egg, 1 tomato, half of an avocado on toast

Lunch: Ground turkey, lettuce, other half of the avocado, tomatoes, black beans, and onions.

and lots of that darn water sending me to the bathroom only to get reamed!

 

Changing My Habits

I could name a million bad habits that I have always given into. Some being procrastination and poor eating. I’ve struggled for years trying to fight my own downfalls, but it was not until recently that I got a full grasp on the actual reason I keep these habits no matter how hard I try to kick them to the curb.

Think about it this way; we are taught that we should reward children for good behavior. Every time a young child does something right, the parent offers a reward. Even in our adult lives we experience this. We actually do it to ourselves unknowingly. Procrastination is a reward in and of itself. Weird, right?

When I procrastinate on a task, I’m putting that task off because there is something else I would much rather be doing. So I do it. I’m rewarding myself with something that I enjoy even though I am behaving badly by not doing the things that I am supposed to do. To change my habits, I have begun to think about what I would rather be doing and name it my reward. I will only reward myself after my task is complete. If I know that I need to go to the gym, but really want to spend the day shopping, I will plan the shopping experience as my reward to go to the gym.

To some people, this may sound like a no-brainer and it may come very naturally. To me, this is not how I function and I am not the only one.

Have a task that you do not want to do? Plan something fun and exciting as a reward and get up and go complete that task!